Cancer cannot cancel creativity
As artists I believe we need to stay agile to enable us to react to circumstance and to not lose our dreams.
I’ve been thinking about how circumstance out of the blue can impact any of us whatever we do and how important it is to take a pragmatic approach to our art practices from time to time
It is true that there are many pivotal moments in any artist’s career and I’m gonna talk about something which has happened to me very recently - in January this year I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
And I had this year been planning to create my very first online course, things happen to everybody in life and I was somewhat thrown off kilter really because I had to cope with those changes, with what it meant for me, and just get used to the fact that I was no longer possibly going to have quite the energy it would take to develop a course.
When you have a moment like this you you kind of have to pivot and reset your ambitions and rethink what is going to work for you in a given moment. Unsurprisingly I decided that maybe this year would not be the year when I plan to do lots of things but creativity is absolutely central to everything in my life. I have to be making something, I have to be producing something. Creating, mostly through painting is something which I feel completely compelled to do - it is critical to my wellbeing and to the art of living.
From where I’m standing right now I’m very much looking for the positive for the light so I’ve decided to call the series ‘Looking for the light’ and that’s not a religious seeking - here I’m seeking optimism and I’m seeking to reflect in my art a sense of positivity of looking forward.
But with energy levels depleted by chemotherapy treatments now feels like the time to give myself a very non-stressful project or two that can become a marker for this time and an excuse to reflect emotions through paint and through journaling.
The two projects include making space to develop a series which reflects my emotions and my moods right now so I’m developing a series of familiar subjects that loosely fit a theme of light shining through darkness.
I’m very keen on painting trees particularly palm trees and I love the way that this very simple shaped tree enables you to express an emotion through the marks you make and through the rhythms that you can create by exploiting the patterns and dancing moves that palm leaves make in order to convey a mood.
From where I’m standing right now I’m very much looking for the positive for the light so I’ve decided to call the series ‘Looking for the light’ and that’s not a religious seeking - here I’m seeking optimism and I’m seeking to reflect in my art a sense of positivity of looking forward.
Strangely for me I’ve also given myself a few rules to abide by including releasing any pressure to establish a series by a certain date. Although I’d rather not be going through all this there is an opportunity- my cancer has given me a bit more time to become more reflective in my art and to press pause button.
As artists I believe we need to stay agile to enable us to react to circumstance and to not lose our dreams.
I’ve painted about about six paintings in the last six weeks so I’ve slowed the pace hugely. Last year for example I set myself a huge task to do the 100 project and I actually completed one finished painting every day for 100 days. There will be non of that for sure. The 100 project is one of those things where you say you are going to do something and I’m very much the kind of person who says I’m going to do something and do my upmost to complete to a stated commitment.
I did it and I’m very very proud of some of the paintings that I produced. I’m proud I managed to achieve that but this year has been quite different. I’ve had to ditch one project but I’ve also had to find something that is meaningful whilst I go through a fairly rigourous chemotherapy treatment. I’ve pivoted where I’ve reached a point in my career where I’ve had to take a change direction in order to maintain a creative practice without without pressure and alongside this I’ve decided to journal for the first time.
Sketchbooks have for many years been central to my art practice but I’ve never been much for journaling. I started my happy journal around the time when my treatments began and it is all about looking for the positive and the journal is all about warmth and the kindness of people. The kindness of people particularly family and friends in real life but also friends on the Internet. In just a few weeks since I announced my cancer support and reactions generally has been nothing short of heart warming.
Initially I wasn’t gonna put anything out there in social media land as I wondered whether it was too personal a thing to mention. However I’ve always posted each day and lots of people who I’ve engaged with over a long period of time have become like virtual friends, people who are my friends on the Internet. A number of artists found on social media have become friends in real life too and so I felt compelled to say something.
Quite remarkably the kindness and messages people have sent just letting me know how they feel about my work and wishing me well has been nothing short of overwhelming.
It has been quite wonderful so I think in summary I would say that shit happens in life, unplanned things happen to us all that force us to change how we do things. As artists I believe we need to stay agile to enable us to react to circumstance and to not lose our dreams.
Certainly I absolutely will make that online offering as soon as I’m better and I will give it my all and I hope that people will be interested in it.
Being ill does create some positives as I now have the for the opportunity to go a little quiet to hone my craft and to focus on a subject which I think I can relate to and pour my emotion into.
My advice to anybody based on my own experience is when you have things that happen to you things that make you change direction try to find a way of working that can suit and tap in to that time that period in your life. Whatever you do avoid allowing gremlins to poke at you and tease you and don’t get down hearted. Don’t feel that you failed because you need to ditch something.
I don’t feel I’ve failed - I feel what I’ve done is to look at my set of circumstances and find a way to work towards something which is ultimately doable and sustainable for a period. But fear not I will be back - cancer cannot cancel creativity.
Thank you
Hi Mary - a lovely post. Like Gina, I think 6 paintings in 6 weeks is phenomenal (it takes me months sometimes) and I love the latest works on paper which I have been following over on Instagram. I have been a bit quiet over there, maybe not acknowledging your current challenges as much as I should have. But it can be all so frenetic in IG land whereas here feels a bit more measured. So I can take a moment to tell you that I can hear you and see you as you navigate this journey.
Over the last year or so I have come to realise through friends and business contacts that this is a truth - that cancer is a journey, though clearly not one we choose to take. I have a friend in Devon who is on this journey now (cancer treatments finished and first year check approaching) and I have walked beside her for some of this path. I’ve learnt a lot - not the mechanical stuff, I could not even tell you what type of cancer she has/had (I know there are different classifications), but the personal stuff. And i t has brought us closer in a way neither of us could ever have possibly imagined when we first met about 20 years ago.
One very important thing I have learnt is the power of words. And not always in a good way. But I don’t mean that in a destructive context but more about how being careful about how words can resonate is so important. People can and will say things that they select in a well meaning but unconsidered way. We have a rich language but we also have language rules and conventions which can be societally imposed which just trip off the tongue. And when someone is on a cancer journey those niceties are not always appropriate.
So, don’t feel restrained by this yourself. Your resilience from over here in MK seems amazing, but if it feels like fucking shit then don’t hold back from saying so. Because, and let’s speak the truth here, it is fucking shit. No one deserves cancer and to have their plans knocked askew. And what I have learnt with T, my Devon friend, is that if those niceties don’t feel right or appropriate then say so. Because that was how we navigated and learned together a more constructive way to connect.
I hold you high as one of those generous people who gave me such encouragement when I veered away from textiles into a more fine art based practice (that lovely call we had a few years ago) and I am the proud owner of one of your palm trees. So, here is to resilience and finding a new way through adversity. We are with you as you must navigate this path.
Hello Mary, I realise that I made the decision to follow you on Substack, but I did not know until today that you are the same person I have followed for ages on IG (Artist in the Shed) It was the Palm Tree that did it. What a rotten diagnosis to be given, I hope that you are managing the treatment ok, it can be quite debilitating I know, having had two friends endure the same process. But they are fine now which I am sure you will be in time. Sending you loving and healing thoughts and it is lovely to see that you are still holding the paint brushes. 💐